What do I do with a God that leaves me with more questions than answers?
Luke 1:26-38
Dear Diary,
It's been a long time since I've made the time to write, but today's events cause a moment of solitude and reflection. Something out of this world happened to me today!
Today started off as a pretty regular day. I was walking down the street on my usual trip to the market, and I ran into someone I didn't know. This first struck me as strange because I take this path to the market every week when I come. I know everyone who lives on this route, so I was surprised to see someone unfamiliar, and I was even more surprised when they began to engage me in conversation.
I spotted him before he approached me, and I had a feeling that something about this person was different. Someone about their ora, something about their spirit, something about the way they were carrying themself stood out to me. Everyone in Nazareth has a unique way about them, and this person was out of the norm. He crossed the street and appeared to be intentionally walking my way, and it was then that my suspicion was confirmed. He greeted me by calling me 'favored one' and telling me that the Lord was with me. Who does that? What does that even mean? I guess he could tell by the look on my face I was a little thrown off and checking my surroundings. At this point, I'm on high alert. Is anyone else around? I'm wondering to myself if I were to scream, who would hear? He didn't wait for a response and went on to call me by my name, tell me I shouldn't be afraid, and then something else again about how I was favored by God. Now I'm really confused, because how does this man know my name? I'm not used to random men I've never seen approaching me out of the blue talking about God and calling me by my name. What is this favor he keeps talking about? We are in the middle of Galilee. What does that have to do with favor and God?
I still had not composed myself enough to come up with a response, so he kept talking, and that's when he dropped the bomb on me. You won't believe what he said. He said I was about to have a baby boy. Yes! Me! Having a whole son. Joseph and I want children, but not right now. We're not even married. How does he know that we're about to get pregnant? But, the crazy thing is he went on to say what the child's name should be, how he would be great, and an ancestor of David. At this point, I was still confused about the nature of the conversation, and now flabbergasted by the news he just shared, I had to respond. I asked him how this could be since I had never had sex before. Now, reflecting on the conversation, there are so many more questions I could think to ask. But at the moment, that's all that came to mind.
At this point, I'm surprised by myself that I haven't just run away. But his answer to my question was even more shocking than his original news. He said that the Holy Spirit would come upon me, and the child I was going to have would be holy, a Son of God. Before I had time to process that or respond, he began telling me about my cousin Elizabeth. We just recently found out she's pregnant. And this man was saying that God blessed her with the baby, and for God, nothing is impossible. I guess he was trying to validate his story by letting me know he knew something about my family and the things God has done for them.
I still can't believe what I said in response. I said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." It was like something came over me and told me how to respond. Like the words were coming from me, but I wasn't the one speaking. And then the man left. Now that I'm thinking about it, I just realized I don't even know his name. He never even told me who he was. Who was this person? This person that came to me with life-changing, life-shattering, life-altering news? I guess I was so caught off guard at the moment that I didn't even think to ask.
I played this conversation back over in my head the entire walk home, and I just kept thinking of different ways I should have responded. I should have asked some of the questions that were racing through my head. But I'm also trying to process what happens next. It's like God, I said yes, but what exactly did I say yes to? And I meant it, but what exactly is going to happen?
I keep coming back to the question, what do you do when the life you're birthing looks different from the life you planned? I want to be honest with this journal entry, because otherwise what would be the point. After coming down from that initial feeling of shock and being encompassed and surrounded by the Holy Spirit, I feel a wide range of emotions. Most of them are not the pretty ones we like to use when we discuss 'blessings from God.' I feel angry, confused, betrayed, taken advantage of, used, and manipulated, but a certain part of me also feels chosen, called, set aside, and purposed. I'm trying to navigate what it means to live at the juxtaposition of all these feelings. This is certainly not the life I planned.
I feel like sometimes in life, God puts us into positions of the unknown and wants to know if we can trust God to guide us and lead us even when we have a multitude of unanswered questions. Today, this specific encounter taught me that I can trust God in uncertainty. I don't know what will happen within the next ten months, but I know that I can trust God to lead and guide me through it.
I wonder if any of my family and friends have ever been in situations like that. I know none of them have ever told me that a strange man came to them and let them know they were going to have a baby with God. But I wonder if they've ever been in an uncertain place, and God came to them. Then after their encounter, they were left with more questions than they had answers.
I'm thinking about the God I know and how she's filled with mystery and desire. I'm thinking about the curve balls life continuously seems to throw at us. Some of them are divinely and strategically placed, and some of them are simply a result of navigating this world as a human person. I'm wondering what will come from my life being blown up in this way. Why me? Why am I so special? Why didn't God choose to grant this gift to someone else?
What do I do with a God that leaves me with more questions than answers?
Well, that's all the time I have; for now, Joseph just got here, and I have to come up with some way to explain this encounter to him. Until the next entry.
Mary, the soon-to-be Mother of Jesus.
Rev. Tierney C. Ridley hails from Macon, GA, and self-identifies as a body and sex-positive Afro-Christian womanist in living and praxis. She currently serves as Executive Pastor at The Faith Community. Rev. Tierney is a proud member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. They enjoy reading books, watching movies, traveling, and spending time with fur baby Tripp. Tierney can be found on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter: @TierneyCarlynn.